I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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