omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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