I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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