so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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