i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
