i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
