Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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