hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
