i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
