you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
