dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
