I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
