My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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