why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
