oh god the rape fog is back!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
