My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
