in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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