I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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