Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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