So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
