Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
