textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
