Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
