I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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