You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
