You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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