Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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