you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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