sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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