I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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