she woke up with a sticky ear
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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