you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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