I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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