i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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