Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
