Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
