Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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