You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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