You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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