They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
