I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
