i would punch a child for taco bell
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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