I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
