how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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