My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
