he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
