I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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