omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I did not marry a roomba.
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