Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
