you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize