Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
