He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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