im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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