I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You can't motorboat a personality
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
