All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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