Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
