Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Are we still banned from the library?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
