I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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